It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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