She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
