My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
