Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
