Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
