Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
