textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
