i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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