It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
