what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
