Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
