you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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