yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Help. Why am I so naked?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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