One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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