Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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