this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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