When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
