So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
