life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
