sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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