i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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