Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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