bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
