she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
