How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm getting married
To pizza
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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