If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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