Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
