i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
