**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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