I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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