I hope mine doesn't look like that
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize