i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
