I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
