Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
