Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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