wanna go halves on a baby?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize