Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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