i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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