Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
