Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
