We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Pants are for mortals
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
