I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Less talking, more tequila
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize