I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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