i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
