I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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