You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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