My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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