How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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