What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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