After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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