Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
