screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
