After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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