I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
