the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
