Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
