She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I intend to get homeless drunk
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
