God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
