When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
