I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
