So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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