I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
