Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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