And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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